Today’s post is going to be brought to you by the letters F as in frithful, G as in Gullveig, and H as in Heiðr. And maybe also by UPG chicken, which is the unspoken game people play when they want to discuss gnosis that is personally important to them, but don’t want to be seen as crazy, egotistical, or whatever other slur the UPG police are using.
I’ve stated publicly before that since I left my former mortal spouse, Loki has been telling me that I’m His goddess. And He used the word “Lokadis,” which is one of my tats for Him. And at some point, He began to drop hints. Lots of hearts. Hearts on fire. Spears. And then one day, He pointed to two (that’s right, two) of my tattoos for Him that have hearts on fire.
I’ve been given housewarmings gifts of artwork of hearts on fire, by local people who are not Lokean and have no idea what it means in regards to Him either, telling me, “I just think you should have this.”
He: So why do you think you have these tattoos?
Me: Cause You ate Gullveig’s heart.
He: Do you know any other Lokeans who wear that symbol for Me?
Me: No, I don’t.
Me: AW HEL NO.
He: *eyebrow* Why not?
I’ve wrestled with this for some time, and I’ve come to accept it, for various reasons, some of which I’ll discuss later.
Yes, I applied my own UPG flowchart to it.
Over time, I’ve come to understand at least some of why He says I’m Heiðr – and also why it’s Heiðr and not Gullveig that He references. (Hint: it’s not just because Heiðr, Heather, Heidi, heathen, and heath are all semantically related). But this post is not actually a Who the Fuck am I? post, because recently I ran into someone else who played UPG chicken with me, and they brought up Gullveig. We compared notes enough for them to ask me, “Is it possible to be Gullveig, kind of?”
And I had to make faces at Loki and go “I don’t EVEN KNOW THEIR REAL NAME” to which He said, “Oh tell THEM that, and ASK THEM FOR IT.”
So I had to suck it up and talk about Heiðr/me. But after we chatted more about the Gullveig thing, we collectively realized that it’s because this person’s w/Work is much more like Gullveig’s than Heiðr, and I don’t want to get more into it than that, because people have privacy needs.
But it’s really fascinating to see how They’re picking people from different walks of life and how that fits into the bigger picture of what the Gods need and want done. But one of the things that perplexed the person was that they don’t do any really spooky fu stuff, and I mean none in the traditional sense of what people think of as “community work,” and so they wondered if their connection with Loki was legit if their work wasn’t spiritual in nature or otherwise devoted to Heathenry or NT Paganism.
Let me say this, and I am trying to say this in the most polite, frithful way that I can: some perfectly legitimate Godspouses/Beloveds/Consorts don’t do any spiritwork, aside from their relationship with their Beloved. In fact, the only thing that those persons can chat about with other Lokeans might well be their personal, intimate relationship with their Beloved. The fact that it isn’t easily apparent to someone on the Internet does not meant that the person does not serve the community in one respect or another. If I could namecheck the person (and I will not unless they give me permission to do so), their Great Work might well impact the whole damn world. If someone’s Work is say, environmental research, perhaps instead of thinking that said spouse doesn’t serve “the community” – which is a statement akin to “won’t someone think of the children!!11!!!” in the sense that usually when it comes out of someone’s mouth, they’re not really thinking of the children at all, but I digress – maybe we should be considering that the Powers’ perspective of “the community” is the whole damn world. The hypothetical TMI godspouse might be young, but they may be gaining experience that will help their Work or otherwise build a firm foundation in their relationship with Deity that isn’t visible to an outsider. I’m just saying that once upon a time, I was a silly young thing, and it didn’t make me a bad person; it takes time to grow into a role. Jamming Godspouses/Consorts/etc into proscribed roles isn’t helpful; it’s teaching people that they are only worthy and worthwhile if they’re useful (at best) and often comes off as slut-shaming (at worst). Freyja is side-eyeing the slut-shaming, y’all.
And this bee is really in my bonnet because when I was talking to the person about what might happen to them if they accepted a relationship with Loki, I said, “well They use the skills that you have,” and their relief was a palpable thing.
This strikes me as incredibly fucked up, not on their part, but because the trope of Godspouses as Community Workers has been pushed so heavily and in such a way that they wondered what good they could and should be doing.
It needs to be said: Godspouses, consorts, and spiritworkers do not exist to serve the community. No, really, we don’t. We exist for ourselves. Many of us enjoy helping our Beloveds’ communities in one fashion or another, but if someone can’t do community work, that doesn’t negate their inherent human worth and dignity. Some of us don’t do a lot of human side work. Not everyone is happy go lucky and extroverted. The “Godspouse as Community Worker” trope is damaging to interpersonal relationships, emotional stability, mental health, and personal relationships with the Powers.
As a coda to this post, because I’m sure someone reading it will be curious about why I bothered to talk about what I consider to be a pretty damn personal piece of doxa. I did it because it helped me figure out what Loki needs from me, and what I actually want to do for my own personal development. (Hint: it’s not starting a cult. We are not putting on matching shoes and t-shirts, shaving our heads, etc in my name, mmmkay?) I’ve had an awful lot of people come to me privately with similar doxa in regards to themselves and some other Deity, and so I’ve hit that point on the Godphone flowchart where this gnosis may be of use to someone other than me. For my own personal mileage, I don’t think any Deity can be contained entirely, or even mostly, in any given human body. If Loki is throwing Heiðr at me as something other than a title, I’m not all of Her, even if a great deal of me comes from Her in some fashion, a lot more of Her exists compared to human-me. It’s helpful to me in understanding my relationship with Loki, in knowing myself in all my parts, and knowing it does not negate my human experience. Perhaps I’ll write more about my experiences with this gnosis when I have more time and spoons, perhaps, if I think it’s of use to others.