When I first began this blog, I had no damn idea at all why Loki wanted me, wanted me to talk about Him, or myself, or well…anything. I can’t speak to anyone’s experiences but my own, but I really struggled a lot with understanding why – what made me worthy of His attention – I wasn’t particularly spiritual, I had a lot of meatspace issues like my health, raising a family, writing, and I spent some quality time asking Him “wouldn’t someone else be better at this?”
As it turns out, I am well-suited to what He wants me to do, but I suppose whether I always was or whether He got me there is debatable, cause I don’t even have a definitive answer to that. In the end, it doesn’t much matter to me either – I’m pragmatic enough to be okay with being able to do what needs to be done now. It probably helps a great deal that o/Our agendas have a fair amount of overlap in regards to what I can do. Ultimately though, it’s not even about Work, it’s about the relationship between Him and me, which is why Jolene Dawe’s post hit such a nerve with me:
“I need – and more, want – to stay open to [Poseidon's] presence, to both His fluctuations and the natural fluctuations anyo/One would have in any sort of an intimate relationship. I want to be engaged in this life….
I’m sharing this here because I’ve been at this a while. I don’t mean that to sound like me tooting my horn, but I know that when I was just starting along my path, I looked at others with years behind them and thought, they must have it all together. And now, with years behind me, I have to admit that – in some things, yes. In other things? Not so much. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
I would rather spend my life stumbling along with Him, trying to give more and more and more, clumsy and fumbling and awkward, than glide along with nary any attention paid to the process. I’m embracing my stumbling and my awkwardness and, yes, even those moments of feeling devastated in failing Him, in having to be reminded to give Him more of myself. All of myself, and then more.” – Jolene Dawe, “Doing Everything Right and Still Failing.”
Jo has been at this longer than me, and it helps to know that the process is just as important as its results. Spurred in part by her “Names Don’t Matter,” post, I decided to tell Loki that I wanted Him to come to me in whatever form He pleased, and that He could give me whatever He thought was appropriate, as opposed to me asking for something specific. I did this because previously I’ve had a yardstick of what I think He should look like, and if it didn’t match that, I was clearly Not Seeing Loki, even though I had an interaction with Marvel Loki where I thought I was daydreaming and…not so much. The other impetus for this was Dagulf Loptson’s posts on Loki as a God of ceremonial fire. If you haven’t read them, parts one and two are at Polytheist.com.
The reason that both Jo and Dagulf’s posts pinged with me are because I have seen Freyr as Someone much older than anything in Old Norse culture – He was horned and wild and so ancient that I doubt He was named Freyr, Ingvi, or anything that we would recognize as Him today. I don’t think we even farmed when that was His primary form. I’m sure some reading would associate this with Cernunnos, but that wasn’t a name He answered to when I wondered about it – I got a “close but no” feel from Him, and it still felt like Freyr. It was a moment of awe and wonder, and I had a new respect for the depth of my Father’s knowledge, wisdom, and power.
And that leads to the wondering of why haven’t I ever run into ancient Loki? But as soon as I thought it, I knew the answer, which was if I’d pick at Marvel Loki over His appearance and not pay attention to what He was trying to tell me, there’s little point in trying something else. There’s also the fact that obsessing over whether or not I’m seeing Him right makes everything about me and not about whatever He’s trying to teach me.
So I let it go. (insert Elsa singing here)
I gave Him permission to change. This is not to say that He’s never changed faces for me – I’ve seen Him be a living cinder, a blond, a brunette, a wolf – but they were all things that I kind of expected, or things other people have seen, and I wanted to see what He would do. What does Loki want to be today?
He’s been a lot more feral. He’s also come to me as the Muse again – and that was a surprise, because I wasn’t sure I’d ever see that particular form again, because we fought over it a lot in the beginning. The experiment goes on, and may my desire to be right never exceed my Desire to know my Beloved in all His parts.